Creating A New Mix Tape

When I was in middle school and high school, I found a great way to study for big tests, that always seemed to give me good results when I'd get my grades back.

I'd sit in my bedroom, with my boombox and a new cassette tape at the ready, and I'd read my notes from the class for which I was studying out loud.  Over and over and over...



Once I'd filled up the tape with the notes, I'd pop it into my Walkman (okay, okay, so I was a child of the 70's and 80's, what do you expect?!?) and listen to it while I fell asleep.  Maybe it was just my imagination but it really seemed to cement those words in my subconscious.  I'd be able to "replay" the tape in my head the next day during the test.

The problem is, I also had other tapes I replayed in my head.  Mostly it was the words of my classmates that were hurled my way on a daily basis.

"Four eyes.."

"Ugly.."

"Fatty.."

"Gross.."

Those are just four examples.  I have six years of cruel words that I have held on to all this time.  I mean, I just had my 20th high school reunion last November.

So, just like what would happen when the old cassette tapes would get stuck in my boombox and I'd inevitably have to rip it out to get it free...I'm freeing the tapes of negative words that I have listened to and replayed in my head since then and moving on.

I'm worth more than what those kids thought.

By the way...I weighed in today.  My first weigh in on this journey.

I lost 2.8 pounds.  I am just so happy...and motivated!

The Breakup

Tomorrow will be my first weigh in since I jumped back into this healthy way of living.  We’ll see how it goes, but it’s actually *that time* of the month so I’m not holding my breath. 

Been plugging along with my daily squats.  Today will be 150 so that will be a good time. ;) 

On another note, I have decided to end all contact with one of my closest friends…perhaps you’ve met her?  Her name is....

White Zinfandel.

Oh, I’ll miss her…but clearly she’s been just using me all these years.  She pretends to comfort me when I am feeling down, or if the kids are driving me up a tree, or after I’ve had a long day in Cubicle Hell..but really, she’s just adding on extra baggage to my life and I can’t have that happening anymore.

And so, goodbye old friend.  It’s been nice knowing you.  Perhaps I’ll meet you for dinner or out at special occasions, but not right now.  I need time to heal and realize that I can be okay without you.

Goals and Rewards!

I work well with rewards.  It’s the getting to the short term goals that has always been the kicker.  I’m invested in myself now, more so than ever before so I’m going to write down my goals, both short term and long term to give myself some things to look forward to.  I'll put these on their own page, or on the side of my blog once I have them set in stone.

Current weight: 197.2 lbs. (as of 5/2/13)

Goal weight: 128.2 lbs.

1^st short term goal: 187.3 lbs.

Pounds to lose for this goal: 9.9

Goal attainment reward: New flip flops for the summer

2^nd short term goal: 177.5 lbs.

Pounds to lose for this goal: 19.7

Goal attainment reward: Manicure and Pedicure

3^rd short term goal:  167.6 lbs.

Pounds to lose for this goal: 29.6

Goal attainment reward: Two pairs of pants and two shirts

4^th short term goal: 157.8 lbs.

Pounds to lose for this goal: 39.4

Goal attainment reward: New golf shoes (not off the clearance rack..lol)

5^th long term goal: 147.9 lbs.

Pounds to lose for this goal: 49.3

Goal attainment reward: Long weekend away with The Man

6^th long term goal: 138 lbs.

Pounds to lose for this goal: 59.2

Goal attainment reward: Three new cute outfits (head to toe)

FINAL GOAL: 128.2  lbs.!!!!

Pounds to lose for this goal: 69

Goal attainment reward: TBD

I need suggestions..advice…something..lol.  Are my goals spaced too far apart?  Just right?  Not enough?  I went with the percentage system.  First goal is 5%, second is 10%, third is 15% and so on.  And what kinds of goals/rewards did you set for yourselves?  What’s the perfect reward for attaining your “final” goal? 

AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Burnt Out

Somebody pass the aloe..lol.  This girl is literally on fire.  See, I am VERY fair skinned and made the mistake of standing outside yesterday watching my son singing at the local Apple Blossom Festival in our city...without thinking to put on sunscreen. 

I know, I know.  Shoot me now.  It's my neck and my arms...very crispy today.  I've had to put the kabash (sp?) on my crunches at the moment but I'm still going strong with my squats.  I've done 40 so far today out of the 135 on the chart.  Moving right along...albeit slowly.

Tweaking Things A Bit

I’m scrapping the idea of the “Mean Abs Challenge”.  I think I need to gently work myself into full sit ups and pushups.  Slow and steady wins the race..lol.  And so, I’m making my own challenge.  In addition to tacking on 10 more squats each day for the rest of the Squat Challenge, I’m going to start today with 50 crunches, using the Squat Challenge as my guide.  So by the end of the 30 days of crunches, I want to be up to 250.  Too lofty of a goal?  Not sure.  If it gets to be too much, I’ll ease back.  The last thing I want to do is get discouraged.  That’s happened to me too many times before.

And, in the interest of full disclosure, I have struggled with eating disorders in the past.  When I was in high school, going through the bullying of my classmates, I completely stopped eating in front of people.  In my mind, I was 600 pounds, and every time I took a bite, it was just proving to my tormentrs that I was a fat cow who had no will power.  I’d starve myself, and then when I did put food in my mouth, I’d just purge it up later.  Sorry for the brutal truth, but there it is.

I snapped out of that when I started passing out on a regular basis.  Denying to myself and others that I had a problem the whole time, but realizing that I needed to stop.  That worked until my ex and I broke up three months after the birth of my son.  I was despondent, living with my mother in her one room apartment with my two kids (3 years old and 3 months old at the time..GAH!).  I’d always make sure the kids were fed properly, but would just eat the food they didn’t finish.  I rapidly lost the weight I’d gained while pregnant and then some.  I was down to an unhealthy (for me) 110 pounds. 

Clearly I snapped out of that too because after meeting my now fiancé and moving in together, I ballooned up to 170…spiraled down to 150 and then back up to where I am now.  I need to stop putting food in my mouth just because I’m bored, or because I had a stressful day at work.  And believe me, every day at work is stressful.  I work in a large collections department for a corporate company and while the weight doesn’t help, my blood pressure is high and I’m on medicine for it.  My doctor wants me to lose weight, but also said, “Maybe it’s time to find another job…”.  Sigh.  Indeed.

Let's Get This Out Of The Way Right Now

I'm fat.

Not only that, I'm obese.

I didn't mean for this to happen.  During my 20's and early 30's, I hovered around 130 pounds.  Then suddenly, I began to gain.  I don't even know how I let things get so out of control.  My kids certainly kept me busy enough.  I'd run around with them at the parks and playgrounds and we were always on the go.  But I had gone through a messy breakup with the biological father of my son and was dealing with the emotional fallout from that, as well as the death of my adoptive father.  And so, I ate.  And ate.  And ate.

And the weight came on.  It seems like it happened overnight.  One minute I was fitting in size 6 pants, and the next, size 16.  I was horrified.  Oh, lol..not horrified enough though because I didn't make a good enough effort to lose the pounds.

I'm 39 years old and 5'3".  And I weigh, according to the scale this morning, 197.2 pounds.

::hangs head::

I need to get this crap figured out.

I am a master of making excuses.

The arthritis in my ankles keeps me from running..something I used to love to do.  I work full time, an hour away from home, and by the time I'm back at the house, I'm exhausted.  It's raining out.  It's too sunny.  It's Wednesday.  I haven't had enough caffeine.  I've had too much caffeine.

Catch my drift?

Well, no more.  NO MORE I SAY.

One of my FBook friends shared a 30 day challenge.  A "Squat" challenge.  And I've been keeping accountable by checking in on the thread she posts daily.  Today, we're up to 110 squats.  And yes, my ass hurts.  But that's okay.  I want to keep going.  I don't need to be a size 6 again, but I'd like to not look like I'm six months pregnant.  Saying you're trying to lose the baby weight may fly when your child is under a year old, but not when your baby just turned 10.

So, I'm not sure how the format of this blog will go.  I'd like to keep track of the different challenges I'm doing so maybe a page for that, and a page of before, during and after pictures?

Stay tuned for the updates...and please, for the love of all that's good and holy, help me keep accountable and kick my butt when I lose focus.