Tweaking Things A Bit

I’m scrapping the idea of the “Mean Abs Challenge”.  I think I need to gently work myself into full sit ups and pushups.  Slow and steady wins the race..lol.  And so, I’m making my own challenge.  In addition to tacking on 10 more squats each day for the rest of the Squat Challenge, I’m going to start today with 50 crunches, using the Squat Challenge as my guide.  So by the end of the 30 days of crunches, I want to be up to 250.  Too lofty of a goal?  Not sure.  If it gets to be too much, I’ll ease back.  The last thing I want to do is get discouraged.  That’s happened to me too many times before.

And, in the interest of full disclosure, I have struggled with eating disorders in the past.  When I was in high school, going through the bullying of my classmates, I completely stopped eating in front of people.  In my mind, I was 600 pounds, and every time I took a bite, it was just proving to my tormentrs that I was a fat cow who had no will power.  I’d starve myself, and then when I did put food in my mouth, I’d just purge it up later.  Sorry for the brutal truth, but there it is.

I snapped out of that when I started passing out on a regular basis.  Denying to myself and others that I had a problem the whole time, but realizing that I needed to stop.  That worked until my ex and I broke up three months after the birth of my son.  I was despondent, living with my mother in her one room apartment with my two kids (3 years old and 3 months old at the time..GAH!).  I’d always make sure the kids were fed properly, but would just eat the food they didn’t finish.  I rapidly lost the weight I’d gained while pregnant and then some.  I was down to an unhealthy (for me) 110 pounds. 

Clearly I snapped out of that too because after meeting my now fiancé and moving in together, I ballooned up to 170…spiraled down to 150 and then back up to where I am now.  I need to stop putting food in my mouth just because I’m bored, or because I had a stressful day at work.  And believe me, every day at work is stressful.  I work in a large collections department for a corporate company and while the weight doesn’t help, my blood pressure is high and I’m on medicine for it.  My doctor wants me to lose weight, but also said, “Maybe it’s time to find another job…”.  Sigh.  Indeed.

Let's Get This Out Of The Way Right Now

I'm fat.

Not only that, I'm obese.

I didn't mean for this to happen.  During my 20's and early 30's, I hovered around 130 pounds.  Then suddenly, I began to gain.  I don't even know how I let things get so out of control.  My kids certainly kept me busy enough.  I'd run around with them at the parks and playgrounds and we were always on the go.  But I had gone through a messy breakup with the biological father of my son and was dealing with the emotional fallout from that, as well as the death of my adoptive father.  And so, I ate.  And ate.  And ate.

And the weight came on.  It seems like it happened overnight.  One minute I was fitting in size 6 pants, and the next, size 16.  I was horrified.  Oh, lol..not horrified enough though because I didn't make a good enough effort to lose the pounds.

I'm 39 years old and 5'3".  And I weigh, according to the scale this morning, 197.2 pounds.

::hangs head::

I need to get this crap figured out.

I am a master of making excuses.

The arthritis in my ankles keeps me from running..something I used to love to do.  I work full time, an hour away from home, and by the time I'm back at the house, I'm exhausted.  It's raining out.  It's too sunny.  It's Wednesday.  I haven't had enough caffeine.  I've had too much caffeine.

Catch my drift?

Well, no more.  NO MORE I SAY.

One of my FBook friends shared a 30 day challenge.  A "Squat" challenge.  And I've been keeping accountable by checking in on the thread she posts daily.  Today, we're up to 110 squats.  And yes, my ass hurts.  But that's okay.  I want to keep going.  I don't need to be a size 6 again, but I'd like to not look like I'm six months pregnant.  Saying you're trying to lose the baby weight may fly when your child is under a year old, but not when your baby just turned 10.

So, I'm not sure how the format of this blog will go.  I'd like to keep track of the different challenges I'm doing so maybe a page for that, and a page of before, during and after pictures?

Stay tuned for the updates...and please, for the love of all that's good and holy, help me keep accountable and kick my butt when I lose focus.